Honeymoon
by PureWaterLily
Summary: Kushina wants her honeymoon, Minato is forced to agree, and Itachi now has the responsibilities of the Hokage... as if dealing with a despotic father, idiotic cousin, tempered fiancée, whiny brother, rogue ninjas, and thousands of missions isn't enough. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**AU**: Let's just pretend Madara died heroically in battle like a true shinobi (screaming, cursing, and bleeding to death) and is now sipping British tea with Izuna somewhere in a different dimension. Oh, and because of that, somehow, the anachronism in the series is fixed. Canon had radios, so I gave them cell phones and pagers. Canon had computers, so I gave them laptops. Canon had arrow-guns, so I gave them gun-guns. Hello twenty first century… only without cars… yeah, transportation is still a dud.

* * *

Namikaze Minato is a calm and reasonable man, always able to sit quietly and listen to his citizen's complaints. The people have bragged that nothing can break his composure - insults, war, oversized foxes, their Hokage could easily resolve them all.

Hence, on a typical visit to the Hokage's office, one wouldn't expect to see the greatest man in Konoha fall apart under the screams of an explosive five foot four woman with three layers of eye bags, unruly bed hair, charcoal fingernails, compulsively twitching eyelids, and a breath that stunk distinctively of coffee.

"SUCH BLASPHEMY! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF THE GREAT JIRAIYA'S PUPIL! YOU _WILL _UPLIFT THIS BAN YOU HERE ME? YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF-"

The woman is forcibly dragged out of the office, but since she is a retired ANBU captain, the four guards got an earful (and _fistful_) of her.

Finally alone in the room, Minato gives a fake cough and brushes away the book the woman had slammed on his desk. He straightens out and takes a moment to find his center of gravity.

Just as he thinks he will finally get some peace, there is a ringing in the air.

"Hokage's office. What is the situation?" he says into the receiver, but there is a dead tone.

The ringing continues, and he realizes that it is not the work line… it's his cell phone.

"…"

The cell keeps ringing, but he stares at the little device.

Since he went to painstakingly difficult methods to get a private, non-tapped line for his family, this has one of two possibilities: one, this can be his son, too lazy to walk home from school and wanting a ride from his _Lightning Flash _dad… _again_… or two, this can be… _Kushina_.

Cringing, he closes his eyes and hits the button, holding the cell at arms distance.

Silence.

Hesitantly, he brings the contraption closer.

"… Hello?"

Suddenly, the cell phone in his hand is crushed into bits, fragments of plastic and metal spewing all over the expanse of his desk.

"Hi honey," says a smiling redheaded woman, hanging up on her end of the line before proceeding to grab her husband by the collar and tossing him all the way across the room, through the wall, and into the hallways.

While the mighty Hokage recovers and backs away, trembling with fear, the woman pleasantly asks "How's work, dear?" and cracks her knuckles one by one.

As it turns out, Minato is more susceptible pure terror than most people thought. Then again, the people are wrong 90% of the time, which explains why military villages aren't democracies.

oOoOo

Approximately two kilometers away, sixteen year old Uchiha Itachi is finally able to catch his breath at a local teashop, seeking desperate solace away from mundane missions, murderous rogue shinobi, and his clingy little brother, when someone slyly slides in the opposite seat and continue his daily habit of mooching off.

But just as that someone is about to take a bite into his stolen green tea cake, he decides it is only etiquette to strike up pointless small talk before savoring the overly expensive dessert.

"How's Snow country?" Shisui chirps.

"Cold."

"Ahh."

Pointless small talk accomplished, Shisui stuffs the cake down and munches contently.

Since three months in a desolate winter wonderland hasn't proven to be the most exciting experience, and Itachi has been hundreds of kilometers from any human contact, he decides to extend the conversation past its usual abridged length.

"How's Konoha?" Itachi asks.

"Hot."

"Hn."

And that is when Itachi's pager goes off, his five minute break ends, and he vanishes.

Meanwhile, Shisui takes his time relish his dessert.

"Ah, so glad I'm not in ANBU."

oOoOo

"_FIVE YEARS_, DAMN YOU!"

With tremendous strength, Kushina yanks her husband off the floor and throws him back into his office, where he is rammed against his desk and has the breath knocked out of him.

She storms in after, slamming the door behind her so hard that it snaps off its hinges, causing the already scared stiff jounin guards to step-side and flee for their lives. Potential invasions, enemy forces, assassins, sure they'll deal. But _that woman_, they've learned to steer clear of.

"K-Kushina, listen—"

"No, _you_ listen," the fiery woman grits. "Every day, I cook, I clean, I do my missions, I look after you and our son's ass. But I'm not Mikoto the saint, honey, I can't do all of that for five straight years, being bottled in this tiny village, without getting _stressed _and _pissed_, and unless you want some Kyuubi chakra on released on you, I suggest you _begin packing_."

"Kushina," he tries again, "I'm sorry, but there's an international congress—"

"And last time, there was a Fire country threat, and before that, a devastating earthquake, and before that a locus invasion, and before that a criminal organization filled with insane, religious, cannibalistic pyromaniacs," Kushina violently spits, straddling her hubby on the desk. "No more excuses. Today's our anniversary, and I want my honeymoon. And that's FINAL." She punctuates by smashing him into the now-destroyed desk.

While Minato is still disorientated, Kushina smiles and hands him the Hokage's line. "You get one phone call."

oOoOo

"… Am I… interrupting?"

"Oh no, we were just discussing how _lovely _a peaceful boat ride in the Forest country would be. Say, is it true the water is so clean it actually sparkles in the sunset?"

"Affirmative."

As the redhead sighs in her daydream, Itachi still awaits an explanation as to why the office is in shambles, why Kushina-sama is present, and why the Hokage is on the floor, being dragged along like a rag doll. Then, he decides that the less he knows of the Uzumaki's familial matters, the better.

"You requested me, Hokage-sama?"

"Yes," the person on the floor squeaks. "I'll be away for the week. Please take over my duties until my return."

And thus, Itachi's mechanical mind goes into a screeching halt before rewinding and replaying his superior's request several times.

"You're assigning me as the temporary Hokage," he clarifies, keeping his tone calm and professional, when on the inside, he is in an absolute train wreck, not from fear that he will be unqualified, but from dread that this twist of events will cause inevitable trouble on his personal life… which contrary to what many assume, he still _does __have_.

"Thank you for filling in, Itachi-kun," Kushina coos, that same violent gleam flaring, and Itachi has to suppress the chills down his spine – the woman has never liked him, not since after one hundred consecutive losses against his mother in everything from sparring to knitting. Then she bet she'd at least have the better son… and lost too, quite dramatically on that one. Plus, coupled with the facts that Kushina is the number one supporter in the Naruto-for-Hokage campaign, and the primary candidate for the new Hokage is currently Mikoto's son, Itachi knows he's going to have a hard time finding Kushina's good side when she returns.

"Give my best regards to your mom too."

He doesn't miss the brilliant spark in her eyes, and with her hardheaded, competitive streak, Kushina makes it sound more like a threat than a warm good bye.

And finally, as Minato tries to scavenge the remaining shards of his dignity, he gives his most trusted soldier some of his Hokage-wisdom. "The papers are…" – the papers _were _on his desk, before it got crushed to bits and everything was sent flying – "…here. Read them, file them, and make your best judgments if there is anything urgent."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

"Also, I know this is obvious… but please don't cause any international wars."

oOoOo

In precisely ten minutes, Itachi has repaired the desk via time-reversal jutsu, gathered and sorted out all the paperwork, returned the guards to their proper posts, and restored the office to its initial condition, wall-holes and broken-doors included.

He then uses the remaining hour in the day to become acquainted with the proper procedures of the position, manage the schedule – learning about a certain delicate meeting known as the _international congress _that Minato purposely left out – briefly go over upcoming missions, stamp and approve several letters, and return to the tea shop and pay for the bill Shisui so courteously left behind.

oOoOo

Hell has taken its course.

The council is pissed, the Uchiha might as well be high on cocaine, the Hyuuga plans of rebellion, rumors of the Hokage's assassination spread like wild fire, the Hokage's son deals out death threats, Sasuke sues for child negligence, and now rumors of the Hokage's _replacement_'s assassination spread like wild fire.

It can be worse.

oOoOo

The job itself isn't horrendous. In fact, Itachi likes the paperwork: it's quiet, peaceful, and intellectually stimulating, as he's finally able indulge in the intricacies of civics, ethics, economics, and rhetoric that he hasn't been able before. In the field, he could only follow his orders down to each letter – thinking a defect, questioning a threat – and even when he took a position in espionage and intelligence, he was still, bluntly put, a machine only meant to gather, store, and process data, nothing more.

But now, it's invigorating. After sixteen years of dormancy, his brain is finally awake and active, absorbing every particle of information presented to him, analyzing, connecting, and finding solutions that not even the Nara will think of.

On one particular case, something catches his eye, and intrigued, he delves into the old records forgotten in the forbidden library. The next thing he knows, he has his sharingan activated, reading into the treaties of his forefathers, and along with it, the loopholes in the system.

Thirty minutes later, hawk messengers have been sent to the Suna, Ame, Kiri, Iwa, and Kumo respectively to reinforce trade, support their economies, provide construction, mend sour relations, and acknowledge existing ones. Letters for smaller and subtler villages flies out the window within the hour, and putting down Konoha's finance sheets, Itachi stretches and decides now is a nice time to return to home, prepare himself a quick breakfast, and begin his first day of official duties as Hokage.

oOoOo

The sun rises and the ANBU stand before the sixteen year old, startled that, for once, the rumors are true.

For some, it is awkward, for others, disturbing. But the majority conceals their unease, and for the minority that either are used to working under their captain, or just don't care, this shift is as natural as the very wind that blows.

Six in the morning and the jounin arrives, awaiting their missions for the day. Like with the ANBU, Itachi reads each member's profile thoroughly and match up the missions that they are most qualified for. He needs to ensure the highest possible percent of success without wasting any troops, and even though he admits to have never encountered many of the shinobi before him, he quickly and efficiently analyzes each and assigns a proper task.

There are no delays; in fact, many people swore the process move at the same, if not a faster, rate, and the jounin accept the change in power as well.

The chuunin and genin, on the other hand…

"OH THE POWER OF YOUTH!"

"DIE UCHIHA!"

"I ACCEPT THIS CHALLENGE!"

"No, don't—"

Tenten, a newly made genin, has to rub her temples as her teammates proceed to attack the temporary Hokage, while her sensei, her _sensei _for goodness sake, encourages them.

In the end, Gai is sparkling with joy, Lee is acknowledging Itachi as a formidable opponent, and Neji is seething with rage, struggling against a rope cocoon.

They exit the room, with a mission that is perfect for their expendable energies and, in Itachi's words, is meant to "establish control, limits, and humility." In other words, de-weed the entire senior district, paint their homes, carry their grocery, scrub their feet, cook their meals, _chew _their meals... Just about every mundane task he can think of that wouldn't overstep the child labor prohibition.

oOoOo

"— to think of all the power that this opportunity has gained for us. The doors that this could open, the change, the revolution—"

"No."

"He is a fool, carelessly handling you this position, but _don't_ _you_ be a fool too and not use it—"

"I am currently doing everything in my power to stabilize this village, boost its economy and wealth, and ensure the safety and welfare of all its citizens."

"You know that is not what I meant!"

"There are 48,902 people residing in or around Konoha, and I cannot and will not risk _their lives_ for the sake of a hundred."

"Don't get cocky with me, boy! That seat of power has gotten to your head and made you blind. The Hokage will return in due time, and you will realize how idiotic your actions are, not securing your OWN clan and your OWN blood while you had the chance."

"Konoha has not breeched the treaty, and as long as the Uchiha does not as well, I see no reasons for any further 'securing.' Please Father, the Uchiha's wealth alone encompasses over twenty percent of all Konoha's assets—"

"That should be fifty!"

"Back when our clan made up fifty percent of the village population, Father! When Konoha was barely a tenth of the size it is today, when it held no citizens! All of which is over _eighty years ago_."

"Even so, we _founded _this damn village—"

"No, we didn't. Our forefathers did. _Uchiha Madara_ did, along with Senju Hashirama. But the Senju assimilated into the population, and what's _sustaining_ our village is neither the Senju _nor _ Uchiha, but a collection of various clans. The Nara with their intellect, the Inuzuka with their tracking abilities, the Hyuuga—" Here, Fugaku looks as if he was a balloon of steaming hot air ready to burst "—the Hyuuga, with their wealth and influence," Itachi tactfully says.

"Yes, they invade our village like bugs," Fugaku grits, now referring the Aburame clan that joined forces decades earlier, "claiming it to be theirs. But did any of them labor away to form this place? Shed so much blood defending this village? No, they just nest themselves in the homes _we_ _died creating_."

Intensely frustrated, Itachi tries yet again to explain. "Statistically speaking, yes, the Uchiha clan lost the most lives defending our village in past wars, and our numbers have dwindled dramatically because of it. But by percentage, the Senju suffered far worse and lost their clan altogether. To this day, there are no more Senju purebloods. Either way, the other clans may not have had the same deep rooted history, but they sacrifice themselves nonetheless to ensure the survival of _everyone_ as _a whole_."

"The Senjus died because they were _weak_, too weak to lead the very village that should have belonged to _us_. But no, they compromised their side of their agreement by handing it to _Sarutobi _for god's sake, and then to _Namikaze_."

"Sarutobi Hiruzen and Namikaze Minato were selected because they were the most qualified, not because of any scheme to marginalize us."

"Uchiha Kagami was every bit as talented as Sarutobi, and Minato, _Minato_…" Fugaku can hear his voice rising and he has to stop himself. Oh how he loathes, loathes, _loathes_ that man.

Itachi, who understands their long and complicated history of nonstop rivalry, fighting for everything from the Hokage's title to women, knows that is a topic to be dropped with haste. The Uchiha does not take defeat well, and his father, with both his exceptional pride and impossible temperament, is a whole other story.

"Kagami-san died heroically in battle, and while you do not have to agree with Namikaze-sama's legislation, he is an excellent ninja, diplomat, and leader. I apologize, Father, but I simply cannot expand our clan's territory," he swiftly concludes, ignoring the other's outraged cry. "With the average citizen living in eighty two square meter apartments, the Uchiha already has the largest and more luxurious expanse of land."

"Itachi!"

"Please, Father, you taught me to keep work and home separate. You may scold me, beat me, punish me to your heart's content when I return home, but for now, you are to address me as Hokage-sama and listen to my word. Now please take your leave."

Uchiha Fugaku stomps out, cursing under his breath, a burning building in his wake.

Itachi sighs and activates a water jutsu.

oOoOo

While Itachi is in the middle of fiddling with a government-only computer-like machine to notify the other Kage's that he will be Minato's replacement in the upcoming conference, a figure steps out from the shadows.

Itachi has been aware of his presence for some time now, but decides to let the old man to linger as he does not interfere with his work. Past the conversation with his father, there hasn't been anything else to spy on. Only papers of recommendations from Jounin proctors, friendly letters from the Kazekage to Minato's son, and a document outlining the reconstruction plan of the Rice country.

The last proves to be the most difficult project to date, since the Oto is ruthless with negotiations, and Rice is in slum state of violence and poverty. The place is so unstable that Itachi has even considered demilitarizing the country altogether and placing it under Fire control. However, that will spark resistance, misunderstandings, and conflicts that neither side needed.

Itachi also scraped the idea of an open-door policy, because while it will help foster Rice's economy, Konoha will inevitably suffer. As much as he hates it, Fire's selfish monopoly that has triggered so many wars is the very thing sustaining it. And though thousands in starvation will be saved, granting Rice citizens entrance to Fire will breech national security, and that cannot work.

In the end, Itachi realizes that he is too inexperienced, ignorant, and almost naïve in many areas of politics to solve this tremendous challenge, so he approaches with the bare basis and leaves the rest for Minato to resolve, day by day, year by year, and hopefully, the problem will unwind in the distant future.

"You are putting in considerable effort in keeping up with Namikaze-sama's work."

"How may I help you, Danzou-sama."

The monitor finally turns on, and Itachi spends his time familiarizing with its functions and keys, all while preparing to be mentally screwed over by the senile kook.

After all, at one point in his life, Danzou almost convinced him to murder his entire clan, effectively casting him into a spiraling depression that took out a huge chunk of his sanity.

But in some aspects, he has to thank Danzou. When Itachi was thirteen, the Hokage exiled him to the Tea country for three months, and it was then that he got the longest and most relaxing vacation he would ever get in his life.

oOoOo

Since only the kages, doctors, and cryptology squads use portable computers, it takes a while for Itachi to finally get a grasp of how it works. He isn't keen on using it, but since the conference is approaching, and a hawk message will take days, there's no other choice.

That's when Shisui drops in for a hello, commenting how absolutely _awful_ Itachi looks, with the grim expression and the apparent shadows under his eyes.

"You haven't left this desk for two days straight, have ya?"

"No."

"You haven't slept."

"…"

"Haven't eaten either, I'm assuming?"

"Go away," Itachi grumbles, his professional mask dropping.

"Come on, let's get some grub. Your treat!" Shisui exclaims, because totally cares for his best friend, and not because he's broke and the only thing at home is his mom's yum-yum vegan meals... or anything.

oOoOo

"How's police work?"

"Boring. Although there's a rumor circulating around that your father is out to murder you, but you know the statistics behind rumors. Ninety percent of rumors – baloney."

"Ninety percent of statistics are lies as well. How poorly is my father taking it?"

"Oh, the usual. Curses, threats, spontaneous combustions on everything he touches. Also this and that about you being an utter disgrace and that you're disowned and et cetera et cetera." Shisui shrugs. "This is like the… what? Ninth time he's supposedly disowned you?"

"Tenth," Itachi sighs, taking a sip of his tea. Ever since he humiliated his father three years earlier – with the unsuccessful massacre and whatnot – he has been at odds with that man. But even more so, Itachi is concerned with how their irreparably-damaged relationship has negatively affected his little brother.

At the age of eleven, Sasuke has already secured himself the title of number one dropout, which only infuriates their father more, which forces Fugaku to take Itachi back into the family again, only to throw him out… _again_. Hence, the vicious cycle continues, and their poor mother has to endure it all.

Noticing the additional stress, Shisui changes the topic. "How's Kage work?"

"It's Namikaze-sama's natural field. Only he has the stamina and temperament to keep up with the demands, and filling in, I have to admit I feel lost in many areas," Itachi confesses, exhaling deeply.

Shisui chopstick-whacks his cousin's head.

"Why did—"

"Itachi, you're _sixteen_. Stop working yourself to death, trying to save the freaking planet. Look, I'll cover for you. Meanwhile, I want you to get some damn sleep. Then call your fiancée. She's been asking for you, and she threatened to cut out my larynx if you avoid her one more day."

At the mention of said fiancée, Itachi noticeably twitches.

Then he acquiesces, pays for the bill, and exits the restaurant.

That leaves Shisui, who belatedly wonders, "_Wait_, if ninety percent of statistics are lies, is that a lie too?"

oOoOo

Shisui honestly doesn't get what's so bad about the job as he rolls around in his chair, whistling.

Meanwhile, the guards outside are startled by the ridiculous change in behavior of their temporary Hokage. Even an academy student can tell that he is a fraud, but after extensive scrutiny, they haven't found a single difference between the before-Itachi and the now-Itachi… past the obvious change in persona and the overall _cheerfulness_ in the atmosphere.

It drives them mad, because no one pretending to be the Hokage will be so glaringly _poor_ at imitating his character, yet so impossibly _brilliant_ at capturing everything from appearance to voice to _chakra_. It forces them to accept that Itachi is actually a merry, whistling, and happy-go-round boy, which to them, is wrong on so, _so_ many levels.

Then, a ninja appears to return a completed assignment, and without even looking, Shisui continues spinning and says, "The bin, thatta way."

The jounin is as baffled by the Hokage's behavior as the guards, and alert, she spikes her chakra and analyses the fake, who turns out to be… real? She then tries dispelling any genjutsu to find nothing once more. Still… is this carefree boy the same as the solemn, stoic person she saw this morning…?

"Whatcha waiting for?" he asks, closing his eyes and spinning faster.

"Apologies, Hokage-sama."

At the voice, Shisui abruptly stops himself, enjoys the vertigo, and then, for the first time, looks up at the _very_ gorgeous jounin girl.

"Hey, you're hot," he comments, grinning goofily, and thus, the guards, who have been spying into the office, fall to the ground. There should be the usual slap right about now, but Shisui is on quite the sugar rush and is too high to care. Plus, the girl isn't just the regular hot, she's _smoking _hot, and _not_ saying anything should be a capital offense.

Then, comes the big surprise.

The girl blushes, and rubbing her neck, mutters a thank you.

… The hell?

And suddenly, Shisui enjoys the position so much more.

oOoOo

"GO KILL YOURSELF!"

Then, the bouquet of flowers is used as a weapon to slap Itachi before it is discarded on the sidewalk.

Then, the door slams close.

Then, Itachi sits outside her doorstep, picks up the damaged azaleas, honeysuckles, and other flowers she once liked, and gently nudges them back to shape.

And as Itachi brushes his fingers against the petals, he knows he has probably spent more time looking at the wilting flowers than the person he wants to give them to.

Some things never change.

oOoOo

"… What… the… fuck."

"Hana!"

And before she could get another word in, Shisui escapes from the ladies' grip and teleports both him and the Inuzuka out of his concubine – err, office.

She folds her arms, an eyebrow raised, and tilts her head in a "well?"

"Alright, what's it going to take for you to keep hush hush?"

"I don't know, Shisui-san, but I hope you realize impersonating the Hokage is a capital offense. Plus, if Itachi-kun knew about this…"

"It's my head, I know, I know, but but but they were so damn _hot_. _Five _were ANBU. _ANBU!_ Unlike ANBU guys who are broken little souls that are complete sluts outside of their missions, ANBU women are broken little beauties that are nearly _unattainable_. This is like the _lottery_."

"And if said ANBU women knew…"

Shisui cringes. "Let's not even think about that."

"You won't if you babysit my snot-nosed brother," she breezily states, and just as Shisui is about to agree, she adds, "And walk my dogs, and do my laundry, and erase my last B-rank offense from the Hokage's records."

"Oh you are so milking this."

She gives a toothy grin. "Every last drop."

oOoOo

"Who was that?" they immediately question the second Shisui returns. Then again, they are kunoichi, and paranoia is ingrained in every thought.

"Eh, old teammate," he smoothly says. And it is, well, true.

Convinced, the girls all huddle around him again, loving and cooing.

"We knew that," one purrs, drawing spirals in his chest.

"Of course you wouldn't betray us, Itachi-sama."

"Not like you'll ever have interest for that smelly Inuzuka."

Shisui refrains from commenting that the smelly Inuzuka and her super-nose are what rendered his super awesome, fool proof genjutsu… non-fool proof. Instead, he grins and raises his hand, summoning the sexy secretary to bring in more sake.

"Isn't it against to law for minors to drink?" she shyly asks, holding up the jar.

"Fuck the law. I'm the Hokage!"

oOoOo

The door slides open.

She grumbles under her breath and pulls the sleeping boy into her house. Didn't she tell Shisui-baka to tell Itachi to sleep _first_, and come to her place _second_?

oOoOo

The Hokage's office has been officially pimpified. Walls are a bold red and blue, the curtains a rich black, the couches a nice leathery brown. The bland room now has a pumping music, a giant disco ball, and twenty dozen wild kunoichi shaking their stress away on the dance floor.

Yeah, Itachi will receive a giant bill in the mail later and kill him for it, but for now, who the hell cares? Shisui is having the time of his life. In the past hours, he's managed to prank call the government council, legalize orgies, change the kunoichi dress code to mesh shirts and miniskirts, decree that his head be carved on the Kage monument, force the contractors to place a statue of him right besides Madara in the Uchiha district, fire his rival, Hatake Kakashi, and schedule a date with the one and only Yuuhi Kurenai.

Plus, he's too drunk to care of the consequences or hear the cries outside his window. Abuse of power? Psh, _not_ abusing power is overrated.

"Hey, hey, more sakeeee!" Shisui slurs, and then giggles along with the pretty girls by his side.

oOoOo

"Isn't he under-aged?" one of the guards questions the other, both peeking through the crack in the door.

"… yes."

"Shouldn't we do something about this?"

"… yes."

"Shouldn't we at least alert Namikaze-sama?"

"… yes."

"Then—"

"But Uzumaki-sama broke his cell phone. She didn't want him distracted during their honeymoon."

"So… we're just going to watch unabashedly as Uchiha-sama neglect his duties, ruin his reputation, and throw perhaps one of the most epic parties of the century?"

"… yes."

"Alright then."

"…"

"…"

"You want to join them?"

"_Yes_."

oOoOo

"Gods, don't take my words seriously," she murmurs, elegantly drawing the curtains close, pressing her body closer.

She deepens the kiss.

oOoOo

Kunoichi have an excellent sense of when a party is over. That's why all the women have long retreated to their apartments and had a nice steaming shower, a quick dinner, and decent night's sleep.

Meanwhile, shinobi haven't got a clue, because at five in the morning, the eight jounin men are drunk on the floor, one chuunin is hanging on the revolving fan on the ceiling, and one teen is passed out on the couch, with twenty jars of sake by his foot.

"… Shisui, you _moron_," the girl growls before proceeding to kick his fat ass off the couch and letting her dogs provide a beautiful golden wake up call.

oOoOo

"Stop."

"Fuck no."

"I have my mission."

"You _always _have your mission. Don't worry your pretty ass off. Shisui-nii-san's covering."

"That's _precisely_ what worries me."

He swiftly exits the bathroom, avoids the wine glasses and candles on the bedroom floor, and makes his way out to the front door.

She follows, just as gracefully, and flashes in front of the door, blocking it, a vicious aura in her eyes.

"Get back in the bed," she commands.

He stops, and just as he is about to shunshin out, she snatches him and pins him on the ground.

"Get. Back. In. The. Bed."

There is a reason she is the most feared kunoichi in Konoha. Tsunade and Kushina? Saints compared to her.

oOoOo

"You have twenty three minutes," Hana monotonously informs, while Shisui douses himself with fifty different cleansing jutsus. "But given Itachi-kun's punctuality, it's safe to say you've got thirteen."

"Did you have to make your dogs PEE on me?"

"Nothing like the scent of urine to wake you up."

The three brothers happily bark in agreement.

oOoOo

Their speeds are well matched, their strength, intelligence, strategy, intuition also equal.

Her foot is on his chest, keeping him down.

She grins. But one thing Itachi never did have is stamina. She, on the other hand, has enough to rival those of a jinchuuriki.

"You ready to be a good boy?"

"Perhaps I can provide something to dissuade you?"

She raises an eyebrow. "I'm listening."

oOoOo

"Five minutes."

"You can HELP you know," screams one of the many Shisuis prancing around the office.

"YEAH!" agrees the one tossing the bodies out of the window.

The one with the paintbrush in his mouth nods furiously.

The fact that he is beyond hung over while trying to do this light-speed clean up does not help.

"Does it look like I can do your crazy shunshin? Oh, and I suggest you do something about the smell here too. It reeks of alcohol and sex."

All the Shisuis vanishes, showing one who stopped in his track.

"Wait, I got laid last night?"

"Ninety percent of female ANBU are lesbian. Doubt it."

"_HANA_."

oOoOo

She examines the garnet necklace, glittering in a pool of diamond and onyx.

It matches the dress Itachi gave her last time quite well. Even with her selective taste, she is not disappointed.

However…

"Hold it," she sweetly whispers, using the necklace as military wire against his neck, strangling him in place and preventing him from leaving.

"It's still not a fucking _ring_."

oOoOo

"T minus ten seconds."

"Just kill me now," he dizzily remarks. He is moving so fast there are now a hundred in the room.

Migraine still not going away.

oOoOo

For some reason, when Itachi enters into the Hokage's office, he is expecting the place to be in absolute ruin with his replacement hideously drunk.

For once, he is pleased to find that is not the case.

oOoOo

"You again."

"Yup."

"Do you have like a thing for my sister or something?"

Shisui gags, then proceeds to violently vomit on the sidewalk, because of the mere suggestion of dating dog-girl, the alcohol the previous day, and the thirteen minutes of nonstop roller coaster shunshining.

The boy likes the reaction.

"That's good," Kiba states, and his puppy barks. "Otherwise I'd have to kill you."

oOoOo

"KAI, KAI, KAI!"

The ropes tightly bounding her in place will not dissipate. She fumes, unable to break out the genjutsu.

Out of all the times, he has to accept her sadistic bondage proposals _now_.

"UCHIHA ITACHI, YOU BASTARD."

And thus, fire shoots out in all directions.

oOoOo

Something is off.

Itachi learns what when he opens the drawer and find a hundred different notes blasted with perfume and lipstick marks, all with a phone number written for a certain _Itachi-sama_~

Then he hears men vomiting outside his window.

Then the phone rings, and two angry old folks are shouting into his ear.

Then the phone rings, and all citizens are either condemning or extolling the latest legislation.

Then the phone rings, and an Iwa salesman is confirming the shipment of twenty thousand feathered boas.

Then one Hatake Kakashi flashes in the room, asking politely why, after thirty years of devoted service, he is fired… and if being _fired_ is even possible… because if it is, he would have done something to be fired a _long time ago_.

And while Itachi apologizes to the superiors and the citizens, declines all cargos of feathers, chocolate, and leather pants, pays for the recent renovations, and politely tells the loyal shinobi that tardiness is a legitimate reason, one pissed off Sarutobi Asuma comes in, demanding what the hell did Itachi do to Kurenai.

Thus, Kakashi raises an eyebrow, and Asuma corrects himself by saying that her behavior seemed "off" when he saw her at the shopping district… and not because all Kurenai said during last night's date was _Itachi _this and _Itachi _that… or anything.

And while Itachi reinstates Kakashi – much to the man's chagrin – and explains that he has not placed Yuuhi under sharingan hypnosis if that is what is being insinuated, the troublesome genin squad barges in.

"I knew it! You were just one giant pervert in the end!" one Hyuuga accuses.

"With all due respects, Hokage-sama, I cannot conceal my weapons in this new attire," one weapon specialist admits, embarrassed. Or any part of _me_, she wants to add.

"No, I support this wholeheartedly, Hokage-sama! I believe a similar code should be passed for men!" one taijutsu user exclaims.

"Oh gods, no one wants that," Neji snaps.

"But look at how fast Tenten-chan can move now! We are lighter, faster, and more efficient! Plus, it battles us against the climate!"

"She's moving faster now because every pervert has his eyes on her!"

"You had your eyes on Tenten-chan too, Neji-kun," Lee points out.

Neji sputters, Tenten blushes, Lee explains his plan of a new male uniform – a green spandex men's bikini – and Gai finally drops in on his tortoise and announces that his team is ready for the toughest mission possible.

As Itachi feels the migraine settling in, not unlike the one Shisui had moments earlier, the ANBU enters, the men demanding why there were not invited to the party, the woman seductively gathering around his desk and invading his personal space.

All in all, over fifty people crowded in a space meant for ten, every one speaking at once.

And that is when _his mother _waltzes in_._

She marches across the room, easily pushing everyone out of her way, and above the turbulence, cries, "Why didn't you tell me you were gay for your best friend?"

And thus, everyone silences.

Itachi continues to massage his temples.

Someone is going to feel his wrath later on.

oOoOo

Ten kilometers away, Shisui's instincts kick in, telling him to disappear and take a vacation in the isolated Nagi islands, far, far away from one pissed off cousin.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mother… Mother…"

It's useless. She continues to wail on his desk, asking why she is left out of the news, if she is such an awful parent that he would hide something like this from her, et cetera, et cetera.

Itachi shoots a sharp look at everyone.

That's their cue to leave. Anyone who knows anything about Uchiha Itachi knows there are three things you will never, ever want to do. One, upset his mother, two, mess with his brother, and three, do anything that will lead to the complete and utter annihilation of Konoha.

It'll take an absolute _moron_ to do the second, and a maniacal _god_ to do the last, but Mikoto… kind, loving, Mikoto is a ticking time bomb, ready to have a mental breakdown any day now. The reason can be that her eldest son tried to kill her, her youngest son became a delinquent, and she fell in love with a stubborn, ill-tempered _jerkas__s_.

The entire office is emptied in a split second, and alone, Itachi drops his demeanor. In a soft, comforting voice, he questions, "Mother, I highly doubt I am homosexual. What could have possibly instigated this?"

"This." She shoves a paper across the desk.

_Due to my undying love for one Uchiha Shisui, I officially decree that a stone edifice of him, no less than 20 meters tall, be placed in the central Uchiha district. It must meet the follow criteria: complete overshadow the existing Madara monument, be visible to even the outskirts of the village, have his handsome face captured in its full glory (the curls in the hair _must _have a luscious bounce), show full toned abs_—

Itachi burns the sheet. Yes, that is sufficient material for people to begin questioning his relationship with Shisui… who, for both their sakes, has relocated to an untraceable location by the time Itachi leaves office.

"And this."

For an infinitesimal lapse in time, Itachi drops completely out of his character and twitches his eye.

The _Hokage_ monument. And in _what_ pose?

Regaining his composure, Itachi leaves his chair and walks to his mother's side. He places a hand on her shoulder and tries his best to appease her.

oOoOo

"What are they saying?"

"I don't know! He placed a sound barrier!"

"Scooch over!"

"Gah, I still can't believe Itachi-sama is gay!"

"_You_ can't? I went _straight _for him!"

"Actually, I've always thought he was a bit feminine."

"Me too."

"Conduct gives it away."

"Aye."

"Fingers crossed for bi?"

"Oh hell yeah."

oOoOo

As the female ANBU division reverts back to hormonal fifteen year olds, the others in the hallways try their best to not tear each other to shreds.

"Kakashi! My eternal rival! Still squad-less I see."

The genins perk their ears up and turn to see the infamous shinobi before them.

"Yosh, Hatake-san? We have heard many great things about you from Gai-sensei!" Lee salutes.

Neji studies the jounin and concludes that this lazy-looking man is not worth his time.

Tenten is still self-conscious of her clothes and quietly retreats into a corner.

Gai collapses dramatically upon seeing how his rival so easily stole away his favorite pupil.

Kakashi wonders when the hell did Gai learned to asexually reproduce, as the energetic youth circle and prance around him, poking and pointing, asking if his grey hair is a sign of his wisdom or his mask an indication of his complexity.

Asuma just sulks in the corner. Kurenai's ignoring his text messages.

oOoOo

"What do you mean _no_?" Mikoto abruptly stands up, conveying her extreme displeasure at the news.

That's unexpected.

Itachi is forced to back away.

oOoOo

"Fuck, even my volume enhancing jutsu isn't working."

"Shall I just dissipate the sound barrier?"

"He'll notice."

"Hey, hey, isn't that kid a Hyuuga?"

"… Someone snatch him, I got this."

oOoOo

"Mother, _please_ stop insisting I am romantically attracted to Shisui."

"But I even have the wedding planned. A moon-water, push-pull, yin-yang theme and everything."

"I'm _engaged_."

"Bah! Don't even joke with me on that. You two have been engaged for _eleven years_! Besides, I'd take much more comfort if you wedded to Shisui-kun than to that abusive woman anyways."

"Please stop insisting my fiancée is an abusive woman."

"Oh goodness, Itachi dear, look in a mirror. She has you whipped to the core, and given her sadomasochistic streak, that might as well be taken literally."

oOoOo

"Hyuuga-kun?"

Neji turns around to face a very attractive, bodacious woman in ANBU uniform.

"Yes?"

She laces a few fingers on his shoulder, much to his unease, and guides him down the hallway, away from his squad – who is too busy extolling, weeping, or brooding to notice anyways – and any further witnesses.

"I have a question for you, Hyuuga-kun," she lulls, her hips swaying seductively with every step.

Perplexed, the genin asks, "And that is…?"

oOoOo

"—and not only that, the infidelity! You wait on her hand and foot, but _how _many affairs had she had?"

"Our contract never stated—"

"I ASKED HOW MANY!"

"Two…"

Mikoto folds her arms.

"… hundred."

"_And_?"

"Fifty seven," Itachi mutters, bracing himself for the heartbroken outcry, but then he curtly amends, "She's in the Infiltration department. It is only natural."

"Honey, she's getting something from those two hundred and fifty seven men and women, and it isn't information, I can guarantee you that."

oOoOo

"If a lesbian woman and a gay man are in a relationship, then is that defined as homosexual or heterosexual?"

As Neji's jaw hangs ajar, his eye twitching compulsively, a hand sign forms.

At the drop of a hat, a body in the distance falls to the floor, and the Hyuuga places a hand on his hip, a cocky smirk in place.

"Lip reading time," Neji giggles.

The ANBU woman is pleased, and together, they walk back towards the door.

oOoOo

"And to top it all off, unlike Shisui-kun, she treats you lower than dirt…"

Itachi long lost his mother; he isn't going to even bother defending, partially because his mother has fallen to deaf ears, and mostly because anything he does say will only add fuel the fire.

On top of being a gorgeous, rich, and powerful kunoichi, his fiancée is also a demanding, egotistical, and violent _bitch_. He knows, his mother knows, the entire village knows – heck, they've been betting for years on whether Itachi'd commit suicide or she'd kill him first.

The reverse isn't much merrier. After his exile, she drank to the point that there was more alcohol in her bloodstream than blood. If it weren't due to the lucky coincidence that Tsunade was in the exact same bar at the time, and that the sanin had more than enough experience in resuscitating alcohol-intoxicated idiots – mainly herself – she wouldn't even be alive. The villagers then started betting on whether she'd commit suicide or he'd kill her first.

Either way, everyone knows their arranged marriage is doomed, and interested men and women strut to their doorsteps, taking the supposed 'engagement' as a farce.

One took advantage of these suitors, the other one did not, and that is precisely what worries Mikoto.

"… and that winter she made you wait outside for so long you got hypothermia – Shisui-kun gave you chicken noodle soup, and that time her phoenix fire jutsu landed you in the hospital for a week – Shisui-kun stayed by your side the entire time, and…"

Itachi refrains from commenting that the soup made him ill for days, and that Shisui visited him in the hospital to eat the food – Shisui's mother's vegan meals were _that _bad. But probably what disturbs him the most is _how_ his mother knows any of this.

"And heavens, don't get me started on those fetishes of hers. You know I do not approve of those chains in her basement…"

oOoOo

"Well, Yamanaka-san?" an ANBU woman asks the Hyuuga.

"Hard to tell; they're facing away from the door. It can distinguish only a few words…" Neji replies. "But based on what I'm seeing, I can make two conclusions."

"Which are?"

"That Itachi-sama is quite masochistic… and that he has a bondage fetish."

oOoOo

Out of the corner of her eyes, Tenten notices a strange scene. It seems out of place for two reasons.

The first is that her teammate is surrounded by a gang of ANBU women (which raises her blood pressure up a few notches, and she finds herself marching over) activating the Byakugan to spy into the Hokage's office.

The second is that Neji has taken a rather effeminate stance: hips cocked, butt out, lips pouted. But given his boney figure and ridiculously long hair, that is almost excusable.

Why did she develop a crush on him again?

Oh right, because during her Academy years, when she heard "gentle fist," the last thing on her mind was a taijutsu move.

oOoOo

"… and her temper is worse than your father's – Shisui-kun rarely gets angered, and—"

"Mother, _stop_."

Mikoto stops her rant and purses her lips, hoping her message has gotten across fifty times, taken a detour, and trampled on the point so many times, it became to flat, grotesque road kill.

It has.

"First of all, does Father know about any of this?"

If Mikoto wasn't brought up to be a comely, lady-like, murderous, traditional housewife, she would have snorted. "He is still in the delusion that two you and your so-called fiancée will be a perfectly married couple with a nice set of sharingan babies. No, he doesn't."

Relief settles in.

Then Itachi tries to clear up this misunderstand as plainly as possible. "I did not order this decree, I do not approve of this decree, I have no interest in Shisui past camaraderie, I have no reason to revoke my engagement contract, and I apologize for any disappointment this has caused you, Mother."

He returns to his desk and prepares for a document annulling the previous orders, indicating that he is finished with this topic.

There is a momentary pause, before his mother quietly whispers, "As hard as it for you to believe, I only want you to be happy, Itachi. And after these sixteen years, I honestly believe your heart lies with Shisui-kun, not with the woman your father ordered you to marry."

She stifles the rest of her emotions and storms out the room, ending the conversation on a bitter note.

oOoOo

Despite the small setback, the day proceeds as scheduled.

The ANBU are assigned their missions and disappears; jeers and winks fully ignored.

Kakashi is released from his official duties to, once again, search for a genin team. (But after meeting Gai's, he enters the Academy's office with serious reconsideration.)

Asuma is assigned an undercover mission to track and investigate Yuuhi Kurenai for any enemy brain control… because everyone knows that out of the thousands of susceptible, defenseless, genjutsu-clueless victims, enemy shinobi will target _her_, the _genjutsu expert_.

Team Gai is given another exhausting task: nonstop daycare. But throughout the day, Tenten insists on challenging Neji to a gun duel, gritting through her teeth about how he had the _nerve _to snub her, much to his befuddlement and the children's terror (they will need intense reconditioning therapy later).

This only reinforces Lee's idea that less clothing means more character.

As Neji repeatedly states that he's not even associated with the ANBU, let alone in a gang that mercilessly prodded jokes about Tenten's poor figure and unstylish hair, the weapon specialist has enough of his lies and busts out a pair of Beretta 92s.

With his speed, Lee manages to scoop up all the scarred-for-life children away, but Neji… well, let's just say he hasn't yet mastered the Eight Trigrams to fully block regular attacks, let alone metal traveling at over a hundred meters per second.

Gai is clueless of any of this as he parades around the entire village on his elbows, once again having lost a challenge to his rival.

All in all, the damage has been controlled... everything except the circulating gossip about Itachi's sexuality.

oOoOo

By noon, Itachi is finally left alone in his office, examining a file from Takigakure. The report shows a weak and dwindling military village, many of the most powerful shinobis defecting, and it has become so weak, Konoha has ignored its existence for years now.

Why it fell back under Konoha's radar? The fact that it's jinchuuriki, the only one outside of the five great nations and the _seven tails_ at that, claims to have been recently attacked. However, the document has a heavy undertone that says this is nothing more than a farce to get attention, but Itachi takes both sides with a grain of salt.

While Takigakure is indeed in a difficult location, bordered by four countries, its location is hidden so well that not even allies know where it is. In addition, he doubts any country will take such impudent action.

So this has two possibilities: this is the work of rogue shinobis, or this is all a joke. And as he contemplates the probability of each, his mind is wandering off to other things – mainly Shisui and his love life.

Though he can perform beyond anyone's expectations, Itachi is still a teenager with (controlled, neglected, imprisoned, and possibly abused) hormones.

It still doesn't decrease his efficiency though, as he stamps for thorough investigation of the Hidden Waterfall and goes down the list of suitable bodyguard ninjas. If any S-rank criminal has a jinchuuriki on his menu, the seven tails is the most vulnerable. And even if the attack is feigned, this will reconnect the severed trust between the two villages. Furthermore, with the congress approaching, its leader will be on leave, putting the village's security in even more risk.

That reminds him. He'll need a replacement for himself (his idiotic cousin is thrown out the window), and he's not looking forward to the potential candidates.

oOoOo

His hypothesis is proven correct after he has interviewed over a hundred candidates, none of which are qualified. Only now, he is sexually harassed by _both _genders on such a ludicrous level (the ANBU has gotten more violent and insane than usual, now assaulting him with a myriad of wire, ropes, chains, and _whips_ – he now officially bans the anachronistic weapon, abuse of power or not), that a whole Icha Icha series is now dedicated to him.

And no matter how Jiraiya insists, Itachi disagrees.

"Jiraiya-sama," he states slowly and patiently, "I asked for you because you are a valid candidate to take the Kage's position. _Not _for anything else."

"I'll do it if you'll star in my next novel," the other bargains, leaning in and eying the boy with a waving brow, applying every ounce of gentlemanly charm and suave the sanin has accumulated over the past fifty years of infiltrating bathhouses... which is to say, none. "What do you say, Itachi?"

Itachi doesn't miss the sudden drop in honorifics and hides his cringe behind a mask of nonchalance. Since his cousin has repeatedly reminded him of his martyr-syndrome, Itachi, for once, decides to place his moral integrity before the village, and denies.

Sort of.

Not really.

"I'll contact you with my decision," he ends curtly. _If there is no other choice_, he adds, praying that there will be someone else who can possibly keep the godforsaken village intact for a few days.

The perverted glee in the old man's eyes sends shivers down his spine, and once the sanin declares the title of the next issue, _Icha Icha Orgies_, Itachi has to excuse himself for a nonalcoholic beverage that will, hopefully, wash down the bile from his mouth.

oOoOo

Upon Itachi's return, the porn writer, thankfully, has left, leaving the office empty enough to be booby trapped by eighty different triggers by anyone and everyone who has either a vendetta, infatuation, or both, against the young Uchiha.

Holding back a sigh, he pulls out a kunai and skillfully disables the wires, the hidden senbons, the paralyzing gas, the chakra binder, the shuriken attacks, the explosive tags, and, from one very wealthy and tech savvy shinobi or kunoichi, a laser beam.

Finally, when all the dangerous traps are rendered useless, he cuts the last and final wire, releasing the two suspended victims dangling from the ceiling. They fall to the floor with a moan.

"How may I help you, Naruto-kun, Konohamaru-kun."

oOoOo

Only after ten minutes of single-handedly (literally, as he reads a mission report and writes a response with his other hand) fending off the two kids, who tried to kill him in every way possible, from stabbing to kicking to biting to cursing to just plainly latching on to his leg, seeing if any combination of those will wear Itachi out.

It doesn't.

Itachi finally sets down his paperwork and acknowledges the little fiends.

He politely declines all requests for him to "go die in a ditch" or "burn in hell, Kage stealer," and when he evenly threatens them to douse them with a painful genjutsu if they will not talk professionally in his presence, they quiet down and reluctantly take the offered chairs.

oOoOo

"I, the great Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto, am here to apply for the Hokage position, dattebayo!"

"And I, the victorious Sarutobi Konohamaru, am here to _also_ apply for the Hokage position!"

"However, _I_, the legendary Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto, will BE Hokage!"

"No, it is _I_, the godly Sarutobi Konohamaru, who will become the Hokage!"

"You wish, punk. I'm the Hokage's son!"

"And I'm the former Hokage's honorable grandson!"

"My mom's the badass jinchuuriki!"

"And I'm name after this village, crab cake."

"I'm older!"

"I'm younger!"

"I'm hotter!"

"I'm cuter!"

"I'm awesomer!"

"I'm better!"

"And I'm the best," inputs an entirely new voice that temporarily stops the childish bickering and Itachi's temple massage.

The new person struts in, hands in his pockets, and gives the two boys a condescending glare and a cocky grin.

"And I'm going to become the Hokage," he taunts, and then turns to Itachi. "Isn't that right, nii-san?"

oOoOo

When trying to comfort a self-deprecating, highly-sensitive, conscientious child of nine, who doesn't have an iota of confidence anymore due to one overachieving prodigy, one demanding father, one babying mother, and one popular, egotistical loudmouth rival, Itachi applies his revered shinobi knowledge of stealth and deception to weave intricate illusions that will plant positive, non-suicidal thoughts into the blossoming youth.

In other words, Itachi lies… a lot.

And these lies can range from the harmless "yes, father hasn't forgotten you" to the not-so-harmless, "I am not in the process of planning a genocide of everyone you love, forcing you to hate me, and molding you into a psychopathic killer that tries to destroy everything I died for."

Somewhere in the spectrum is the "you will become Hokage and garner our father's respect" lie, which, honestly, Itachi wholeheartedly has faith in… if his brother is twenty years older and not suffering from any mental disorders.

So, when faced with the choice between crushing the remaining bits of his brother's ego, his own credibility, and their already-fragile relationship, and leaving the village to the hands of an unstable eleven year old, Itachi chooses the third way out.

He employs shinobi tactic twenty one, and within a second, his brother's body hits the floor.

oOoOo

"… Did you just…-"

"Yes."

Naruto and Konohamaru spare another glance at the corpse on the floor and gulp, side stepping away.

"Now, you say that you wish to apply for the Kage position," Itachi says, not even looking up from his next task. "In order to be considered, I will need your ninja registration number so I may pull up your profile to assess your mission logs, abilities, and other records."

There is a silence.

Then, the youngest turns to the ninja in the vibrant orange suit and asks, "Naruto-nii-chan, what's a ninja regiwhat number?"

"Uhh…"

"The ninja registration number," Itachi calmly explains, "is the six digit number on your ID, after you graduate from the Academy and receive your forehead protector. If you have _not _graduated—" Here, he looks up and give both a penetrating glare. "—then please understand that I cannot allow you the position."

"Bullshit!" Naruto stands up and pounds his fists onto the desk. "There has to be some other way, dattebayo!"

His miniature clone jumps up and joins forces in a "yeah!"

"Of course, there are other ways. The feudal lord can appoint you office; the entire village can rebel and place you in power…" Itachi keeps his gaze, now concentrated fully on deep, blue eyes. "Or… you can become the strongest shinobi in the village, defeat me and anyone who stands in your way, and forcibly take the title."

Instantly, the blond hops on the desk and charges with a fist. Itachi gladly deals a lesson in humility in one second flat.

oOoOo

In the next five hours, Itachi cleans up the remaining booby traps, finds his replacement, and pulls the schedule from delayed to a month ahead.

Currently in his office is an ANBU by the codename of Tenzou, whose wood release abilities intrigued him. Itachi has heard of this person before, but because they were in different divisions, he has never seen these techniques in action.

"You have the First Hokage's DNA," he muses, reading the confidential profile. "Will you demonstrate?"

Without hesitation, the ANBU forms the snake sign, and two slabs of wood spike out from the floor. He then regains the military stance, and the wood withdraws back into the floor just as quickly.

However, the Hokage does not seem the bit impressed by the impossible technique. Most witnesses usually have a dangling jaw by now, due to the fact that the last wood release user kinda died ages ago.

"You have one second to create a horse," Itachi stoically states.

Once the man recovers from his shock, which, by ANBU standards is under a millisecond, he does as told.

Suddenly in the office is a magnificent horse frozen in a gallop. The proportions are precise, the details fully captured, the pose artistically noteworthy, and for once, Itachi is pleased.

"A table."

The horse loses its form and stretches into a fine dining table, matching chairs equipped.

Itachi's sharp eyes are able to note the hinges, the footings, the support, and he concludes that it is indeed sturdy and durable.

"A chandelier."

The intricacy and design cannot be ignored.

"A full sized house."

Baffled, the ANBU is about to argue when the Itachi narrows his eyes dangerously and demands it to be done.

And thus, the roof is broken through and a grand mansion is resting on top of the Hokage building.

The boy opens the door and examines the interior, everything from the tatami floors to the ceiling fan, the windows to the closet, the beds to the toilets, all made of wood. Without warning, Itachi slams his fist into a wall and takes note of the support beams.

"You are an architect," Itachi comments, and the ANBU blinks, because one, given the tone, it can almost be taken as a compliment, and two, this teenager has deducted his abilities inside and out within minutes.

"Fix this," the Uchiha nonchalantly commands, stepping out the front door and returning to his office.

The ANBU does. The house is no more, and the Hokage's building is more or less repaired. A quick paint job will fix the roof.

"I have a special task for you, Tenzou-san," Itachi says, handling the other a thick scroll. "If you are successful, there is a high chance that trade and commerce in Fire will be bolstered greatly.

"The Land of Waves has been attempting to build a bridge to mainland for several years now. However, given the country's poverty level, its completion seems unlikely. That is why I want you to assist them in every way possible, including of using your best judgment to rid of any enemy forces or threats to the bridge's completion.

"This is an A-rank mission, both for its duration and danger. Since it seems you reach your exhaustion point quickly, I will allow you to choose up to three people to help you in this mission. Are there any questions?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. May I ask who the contractor is?"

"Me."

The ANBU has a hard time suppressing his shock, and Itachi curtly explains, "I will pay exactly one million ryou per person for this mission; however, failure is not acceptable, and I expect the bridge to be completed, the island to be secure, and the squad alive upon your return."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

"Oh, and one more thing." Itachi points to two kids, bound and gagged in the corner. "Please take Naruto-kun and Konohamaru-kun with you. They can learn from this mission as well."

"Wh-"

The squirming boys are tossed into the wood-user's arms. "You are dismissed."

The ANBU, baffled, flickers out with the children.

OooOo

The sexual tension between Itachi and the ANBU only seems to escalate. By the hundredth assault, the temporary Hokage finally has enough. He has gone seventy-two hours without food or sleep: all of his food has been drugged with paralyzing poisons, and if he dozes off a wink, he has a feeling, he will stripped, chained, and locked in his own office.

But his brain has officially boycotted doing any more work, so when Itachi notices an innocent novel laying on the desk, presumably Minato's, he decides he might as well read to take his mind off some things.

In his exhaustion, he fails to notice the warning label on the back cover and the red stamp with the word BANNED across the very bottom.

A minute later, Itachi sets down the book, reaches for the phone, and calmly places an order for twenty gallons of brain bleach.

In retrospect, Itachi realizes that is the first time he has broken the law: pornography has been strictly prohibited for those under twenty-one, and Itachi is well... still sixteen.

OooOo

The last notifications for the international meetings have been prepared. Afterward, Itachi spends forty million ryou on various construction projects all over the five nations and set aside a funding for scientific research and education. All in all, while other shinobi spent their earnings on drinking, women, and other entertainment, Itachi puts the blood money he earned in service to good use.

Of course, he still left a comfortable sixteen million for Sasuke, his fiancee, and the rest of his family in case anything should happen to him.

And for the first time, Itachi feels this strange sensation course through him.

He has always been the employed, not the employer. Power, control, _freedom..._ he looks down at his hands, looks at the what he can do with them.

He is aware that his father's words should not be taken lightly.

oOoOo

"Eight chuunin in Kusa, two elite jounin in Taki, four ANBU in Waves, and even a genin team in Oto… This is getting out of control."

"And as our resources dwindle on these worthless missions, you deny the ones important to this village. Oh heavens, what were you thinking, denying the Wind daimyo."

Mitokado Homura and Utatane Koharu are not pleased, not pleased at all, and this is probably the thousandth time they have come to lecture him.

The nagging was getting on _their own _nerves, let alone Itachi's. But they continue to badger and harass the temporary Hokage, because Itachi's character is slowly transforming, and it scares the demons out of them. Up till now, Itachi has always been obedient and docile, taking each and every one of their orders without hesitation, regardless of the contradictions with his morals, ethics, or philosophy.

Now, Itachi has become deaf to their orders, their commands, and would have retaliated with biting words, if not for his polite manners.

"The Wind daimyo has his own military village, which is equally as efficient as ours," Itachi explains, scanning the Kazekage's correspondence letter. The letters have been accumulating for the past days, all addressed to one Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto, and though Itachi is not the one to pry into other's affairs, he does need to make sure they are all secure before he delivers them.

He has reasons to be suspicious, the foremost being why an important man like the Kazekage is writing to an eleven year old. His sharingan activated, Itachi thoroughly scans the papers for hidden explosion tags, traces of poison, or trigger jutsus for hypnosis and the like. Inevitably, his eyes pick up the words as well, and he learns that, while the seal is of the Kazekage's, the writer is actually the Kazekage's son, another child and possible friend of Naruto.

Assured, he deems them safe and returns his attention to the two elders, who have used the time to continue conveying their dismay at the recent shift in policies.

"…of our concern, but ever since the newest innovations in firearms, we have to secure our own village's financial matters first. If you haven't noticed, with the changes in funding—"

"I am well aware of these issues. Please, the point if you may."

The elders are fuming; this is the first time Itachi has interrupted them _ever_, and to do so in such a manner…

"_The point_, is that we will not allow you to waste Konoha's money nor let you use our fine troops for ridiculous jobs like _medicine_ and _architecture_. It is very noble of you to want to help third world countries, but now is not the _time to be charitable_."

Here, Itachi raises a questioning eyebrow. "You are very wrong if you believe these missions are for altruistic purposes."

"Sanitation of drinking facilities? Building of new houses, roads, and bridges? Regulations of food supply?" Koharu looks as if she is a ripe tomato, ready to burst. "Enlighten us, if those are not for charity, then _what _are they."

"They are missions to bolster our economy without the intervention of the daimyo," Itachi states simply. "By lifting key areas above of the poverty line, the entire country's wealth will rise exponentially faster, creating more potential customers for our services."

"We have clients… the _Wind daimyo _being one."

Itachi agrees, more or less. "Over 80% of our clients are by the daimyo and another 19% by noblemen. The remaining 1% is a miscellaneous collection of the high to high-middle classes. However, less than 0.01% is by anyone of the working class."

"That is because there is no reason for citizens to hire ninjas to _fight_ for them," Homura impatiently says.

"Precisely, only the high classes need us for assassination, espionage, and protection. Why? Due to threats within each country, due to rogue ninjas, due to thieves, due to mercenaries, most of which comes from impoverished countries that turns to these methods to survive. They place their wraths on those in positions of power and blame the very people we protect. We eliminate these threats, the daimyo pay us, and the poorer countries become poorer and more barbaric. It's a vicious cycle, one that pays our bills, is it not?"

"What are you saying?" Koharu asks, not liking where this dangerous train of thought is going.

"I am saying, in order to return Konoha to its former prosperity, we need to degrade, dehumanize, and debase the majority of the human population for the simple reason that if there is peace, there is no need for shinobi. Or even better, to dramatically improve _supply and demand, _we enter the Fourth Great Shinobi War."

Both the elders immediately stand up, outraged, and Itachi understands he has crossed the line.

He does not mind, remaining perfectly stoic and calm, daring to stare into each of his superior's eyes. This has the elders scared stiff – the Itachi they know always knelt before them in respect, kept his head bowed in respect, gazed down at the floor like a subordinate in _respect_. Itachi was their weapon, something they could use at their disposal. But now... the boy is rising to become their equal.

No... the boy is far from that. He is _above _them, and he makes that clear with a cold, authoritative, and confident voice.

"Economy fell, we enter into the First War," he begins. "Depression hits, the stage for the Second War is set. Intense competition, and the Third War comes. During these wars, the finance for each and every military village reaches its peak, and once peace settles in, we become neglected.

"This can be seen by virtually every small military village, and after a mere twelve years, Suna is amidst a painful recession. _That_ is why I denied the Wind daimyo, because the more we steal their jobs, the more tensions spark between our villages. In fact, I am quite surprised they have not invadedour own village yet for the sake of their own survival.

"We are no different from Suna. If peace continues and the countries thrive once more, Konoha will become obsolete, unnecessary, and hated. No one needs ninjas when they can defend themselves with a simple firearm. No one needs to defend themselves if there is no conflict. Clinging to our past ways of life is not the way to progress into the future."

Itachi closes his eyes, exhales deeply. He has been naïve, truly, truly naïve at thirteen. Blinded, foolish, idealistic, ignorant. Murder his own family? What will that accomplish? Instability caused by the Uchiha means nothing in the timeline that is history. No matter how Itachi tries to save one person, one clan, one village, one country, he will never ever save humanity. Not if they do not begin changing, and quick.

Fully convinced that stress has finally gotten to the teenager, the two elders exchange a glance, and nod, fully prepared to subdue and quietly remove the Uchiha.

But Itachi, as young as he is, is more powerful than both of them combined. He slowly stands up, slides the chair in, and grabs the Kage's cloak hanging by the closet. The fabric elegantly drapes over him, the flames remarkably suiting on his body.

"Where do you think you are going?" Koharu questions.

"The Kage conference," Itachi tells them, noticing the sleeves are too long, and opts to ignore them and fold his arms across his chest instead, hidden under the cloak.

"... We believe... you are not in the correct mindset to be attending that meeting," Homura cautiously says, already reaching for a weapon.

"It matters not what you believe," the temporary Hokage simply states, "I am grateful for all the wisdom and experience you share, but ultimately, you are my advisers, and nothing more."

And before the elders could even make a hand sign, the Hokage's office is suddenly flooded by a room of masked ANBU soldiers, each with a pointed caliber .22 in hand.

"What-"

Itachi's lips curl upwards, and he vanishes, leaving the elders at the mercy of the ANBU.

oOoOo

"This is mutiny," Koharu hisses, struggling against the ropes.

Homura also fumes in silence, but he looks up the ANBU before them, all so loyal to the village, who pledged their lives to protecting the villages, their commitment branded into their very skins. What could have that young Uchiha done to corrupt them all is truly a mystery.

"How," he decides to ask.

The ANBU in charge of the ropes grins behind her mask.

"He accepted our offers... all two hundred and fifty _eight_ of them."

And that is when the door opens, wooden sandals click against floors, and the legendary Jiraiya steps into the office.

The relief across the elders is phenomenal. "Jiraiya-sama, oh thank heavens _you_ are the replaceme-"

"Nope."

"... no?"

"_No?_" Homura repeats, baffled as who else could Itachi have possibly chosen as his replacement.

He doubts it is any of the Uchiha, although it will not be surprising.

He doubts it is Kakashi, Asuma, Gai, nor any other suitable jounin, as he sent most of them away on missions.

He doubts it is the ANBU, whose mental conditions usually make them unsuitable.

And now that it is not Jiraiya... _who_?

Jiraiya steps aside and reveals the figure standing at the door, arms crossed, scowl firmly in place.

"WHAT?"

"A _chuunin_?"

"A _housewife?_"

"What was he _thinking_?"

Even Mikoto is a better choice in their eyes, but the woman before them indeed had something Itachi's mother lacked. And within two seconds of the elder's outbursts, Nara Yoshino has sent them flying out the window with a single dropkick.

"Housewife, my _ASS_," she spits, rolls up her sleeves, and begins her reign (and terror) on the Village Hidden in the Leaves.


End file.
